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Avast, me hearties! The IRS wants its cut of your illegal income, be it pirated or otherwise criminally obtained

UPDATED Sept. 19, 2017

Yo ho, all ye salty sea dogs and scalawags.

Just a quick reminder on this annual Talk Like a Pirate Day that ill-gotten gains, including but not limited to pillaged pirate loot, are taxable.

I suspect that Andrew McCutchen, Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder and 2013 MLB National League MVP, and his crew of sports team buccaneer mascots will escape Internal Revenue Service scrutiny for their plundering of ESPN's lox.

Vimeo video of Cutch and crew plundering the lox
Click image to watch the ESPN ad.

But look out all ye other crooks, both landlubbing and on the high seas. Don't try to show your heels to the IRS. It was, after all, the federal tax man who was responsible for putting Al Capone in Alcatraz.

The IRS makes its continuing position on cash from criminal acts clear on page 96 of Publication 17:

Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Pirate partying: For some honest fun on this year's International Talk Like a Pirate Day, you always can grab some grog and popcorn and enjoy one of Johnny Depp's turns as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. If you'd like a more serious cinematic look at modern day pirates, check out Tom Hanks as Captain Phillips.

You can see how others around the world are celebrating today. Maybe an event is near you.

The National Park Service has some places with stories of pirates and privateering to tell.

Social media is all over buccaneer banter at #TalkLikeAPirateDay.

Or you can create your own pirate name. Or increase ye olde pirate vocabulary with the English-to-Pirate translator and pirate dictionary.

The Washington Post has more ways to participate in some fun piracy (also check out WaPo's original 2014 version), as does Mental Floss.

Feeding your pirate hunger: And if the McCutcheon video has whetted your actual appetite, head to your local Krispy Kreme. Participating stores today, Sept. 19, will give any buccaneer who talks like a pirate a free glazed doughnut.

Doughnut Update Sept. 19, 2017: Sorry, part-time pirates, the popular breakfast treat chain says no free Talk Like a Pirate Day treats this year. Arrrgggghhh!

Swashbucklers who wear approved pirate attire will receive a bigger bounty. You can get a dozen of the bakery's glazed doughnuts for free if you're wearing at least three approved pieces of pirate attire or accessories.

The apparel etc. includes an eye patch, pirate hat, bandanna, peg leg, parrot on shoulder, pirate shirt or white shirt, knickers, leather belt, pirate hook, silver and gold necklaces and earring, pointy black boots or ragged brown sandals.

But don't worry or pause your talk. 

Long John Silver is offering a special today, a deep-fried Twinkie. Just walk into any participating location this Tuesday, Sept. 19, 2017, and do your best, "Shiver me timbers!" No need to dress up. Just talk like a pirate and get your fried cream-filled treat!

Ahoy and enjoy the day and your calorie-heavy booty!

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